I Have a Wife, Kids, and a Good Life. No One Knows My Deepest Fantasy.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the Pay Dirt archives to share classic letters with our readers. Submit your own questions about money here . (It’s anonymous!)

By all appearances, I have a good life. I have a not-too-difficult job that pays well and has flexible hours. I’ve been married for 30 years and all of our children are doing reasonably well. While not wealthy, I have money in the bank and we own a home, cars, etc. I am able to indulge my interests and hobbies, including travel for pleasure and “experience” activities like hiking and skiing. However …

… I am completely burned out. My wife has serious health issues so I am responsible for most of the housekeeping, home maintenance, finances, and parenting. I make all of the family plans and keep the family schedule, even small tasks like getting oil changes on the cars fall on me. I am often frustrated with my wife and kids because of the imbalance of responsibility. At my job, I am completely uninspired and just do the minimum. But, I am also stressed that should I lose my job our lifestyle will completely collapse. Many of my friendships feel one-sided, we mostly talk about their problems because my life seems so “put together.” I fantasize about a future where I have no obligations and often think about quitting, not just my job, but everything, pulling all of the money out of savings and leaving everything behind.

I have considered therapy, but I’ve had several bad experiences with therapists. It’s made me skeptical, not that therapy cannot work, but at the ability to find a therapist who is a good fit for me. Right now, my coping mechanism is to just keep plugging along in the hope that over time things will get better.

I know it’s frustrating to get recommended therapy when it hasn’t worked before, but you are burned out enough that you wrote all your frustrations out to a financial advice columnist. What you are dealing with is not a financial problem—it’s burnout. The malaise and frustration you’re dealing with are common for the “ default parent ” in a relationship and the person that carries the “ mental load .” The tools that will best help you navigate this will come from a trained professional. If you’ve struggled with finding a one-on-one therapist, you might want to seek a support group that fits your needs (such as through the Well Spouse Association). While you look for a professional to help you, I recommend reading Burn Out: The Secret to Unlocking the Stress Cycle by Emily Nagoski.

And for financial advice: If it’s within your budget, outsourcing some of the household tasks to lighten your load might provide you with some relief. See if your wife is able to manage the outsourcing of the tasks, instead of you.

From: I Figured Out How To Be An Ethical Landlord. Young Activists Don’t Agree . (March 6th, 2023).

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