My Friend Wishes We Had Warned Her About Her Last Boyfriend. Well, I Have Some Unfortunate Intel on Her New One.

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My friend “Hannah” has been single for a long time, has dated various men over the years, and her most recent relationship ended very badly and hurt her a lot. After it ended, several friends spoke up about what they knew about her ex, and she was upset no one had warned her.

Now she is dating again, and I found out someone she has been seeing is the ex of someone I know and have heard a lot about that is not good—think unhinged behavior, threats, cheating, stalking, manipulating, etc. I’m worried Hannah will get hurt again, although so far this guy has been nothing but appropriate, charming, and fun with her. My gut says this could be love bombing, and I think Hannah isn’t very good at noticing red flags until it’s way too late (she tends to overlook a lot and get hurt months down the road after she becomes more invested).

Should I tell her what I’ve been told about him? I am hesitant because it is hearsay from his last ex through a third person close to her (whom I trust to be truthful), and it also feels like I might risk my friendship with Hannah by saying these things about the man she is dating. On the other hand, if even half these things are true about him, she is walking into another bad relationship that will end in her getting hurt again. What should I do?

Tell her. But deliver the news very gently, with a lot of disclaimers and caveats and—this is key—have very low expectations for what she will do with the information. Decide beforehand that after you share what you know, you will wash your hands of the situation and allow Hannah to make whatever choice she’s going to make about her relationship, even if it’s clear that it’s one that will lead to suffering for her.

Here’s how that warning could sound: “Hey Hannah. I wanted to talk to you about something I debated whether I should even bring up to you. But I ultimately decided it would be best for you to have all the information so you could make the best decision for yourself. A friend of mine once dated Wayne and said some concerning things about him. She talked about threats, cheating, stalking, manipulation, and stuff like that. It made me really worried for you, and I remembered how you’d wished people would have told you what they knew about your ex, and that’s why I am bringing the information to you. I know you’ve had a different experience with him, and I have no way of knowing whether what I heard is true, but I just thought it would be best for you to know so you can make your own decision.”

If she’s concerned and intrigued, offer to put her in touch with the friend who said these things. If she bristles and becomes defensive, say, “I’m sorry if it was a misstep to bring this to you. I did it because I care and thought you would want to know, but I apologize for making the wrong call. We never have to talk about it again.”

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