The Midterm Conventions Will Continue Until Morale Improves

If only the GOP midterm convention succeeds in its aim of electing Donald Trump president, things will get a lot better in this country.

Isn’t he already president? Hush! At the Unprecedented (But Very President-ed) Republican Midterm Convention, we reject such trivial objections! “I know many of you are still struggling thanks to Joe Biden and the Democrats,” said Richard Hudson, the National Republican Committee chair.

You have your orders: Imagine that Donald Trump is on the ballot , because if he were, the economy would get a lot better than it is under whoever is president right now—I have to assume Biden? But possibly, based on sheer volume of mentions, Abdul El-Sayed? Whoever it is, the guy is doing just terribly.

Donald Trump has fixed everything, but also, we need him to fix everything.

He is the greatest president in our lifetime, if we can ever manage to elect him.

Also, everything is on the verge of being taken from us by Democrats.

Sorry, not Democrats.

Communists! “Communism is on the march, and it’s up to us to stop it in its tracks!” announced Donald Trump Jr. (whom the C-SPAN chyron demurely introduces as a 1789 Capital partner).

Communists, he said, are “triggered at the sight of an American flag” and want to turn our cities into a “dystopian hellscape.” “Democrats are advocates for evil,” warned the pastor introducing the second day of festivities.

Senator Ted Cruz denounced the “red-green alliance” of “Communists and Islamists”: “They hate Christians, they hate Jews, they hate capitalism, they hate the Constitution, and they hate America.” Things remained at this feverish pitch of Two Minutes’ Hate (sadly not limited to two minutes) for most of the convention.

There were hearty scoops of anti-immigrant sentiment, Islamophobia (most speakers tackled El-Sayed’s name as though even attempting to pronounce it aloud was an unreasonable demand), and fearmongering about “TRANSGENDER FOR EVERYONE!” (as the president put it).

It’s wonderful that things are going so well that we can take a step back and focus on what really matters: making this country a worse place for people to live in.

J.

D.