We Want to Follow Our Daughter to Her New College Town. There’s One Problem.

Care and Feeding is Slate’s parenting advice column. Have a question for Care and Feeding? Submit it here .

My husband and I are facing an empty nest in less than a year when our only child leaves for college six hours away. Our long-term plan has always been to move to a better job market closer to our daughter.

We currently live in an economically stagnant town with increasingly stressful jobs and no room for growth. However, my husband is an only child, and we are the sole caretakers for his declining parents, who are closing in on their mid-70s. His father recently had a stroke that led to cognitive and mobility issues, his mother is growing forgetful, and both have suffered recent falls in an unsafe, multi-story home. They refuse to downsize, and they flatly stated they won’t move with us. How do we balance our own career growth and desire to be near our daughter with our obligations to stubborn, aging parents who refuse to leave?

First: You and your husband have to be OK and stable yourselves, especially if you’re going to help or support anyone else. You’re the only ones who really know both your financial situation and what will ultimately make you happy. And so I think only you can determine how crucial it feels to move for better employment. Is it necessary? Important? Would it just be nice?

Second: You can’t force your in-laws to leave their home and move in with you, or move several hours away with you. If you and your spouse ultimately decide to leave and they insist on staying, do what you can to connect them with local resources and support. Stay in touch with friends, neighbors, other people who might be able to check in on your husband’s parents. Encourage them to give their doctors permission to speak with your husband, so he will know their medical situation and needs no matter where he’s living. He should plan to visit them as often as he can, which will also help him understand when they need more support.

Along those lines: It sounds like you may have concerns about your in-laws’ capacity to make decisions, or will have such concerns in the near future. If that’s the case, it may also be time for your husband to talk with them about creating a medical and/or financial power of attorney provision in case it’s ever needed. The time may come when he will need to make some decisions for them to ensure they get the support and care they need, obviously while keeping their wishes in mind.

Another point to consider, if moving for career opportunities doesn’t feel urgent and you can afford a bit of wait-and-see time: Your daughter is going to school, not moving for a job or settling down somewhere. You don’t actually know where she will end up living after college. So it might make sense to wait and move closer to her once she has a better idea of where she might be long-term.

I have two daughters, “Kacy” (14) and “Allie” (7). Kacy has been keeping a diary since she was 11, and writes in it almost every day. She has always been clear that it is very personal and no one should ever read it. Over the weekend, Kacy was at her friend’s house for a sleepover, and Allie got bored and read her diary.