My Boyfriend Suffers From a Common Male Problem in Bed. I Don’t Think He Has Any Idea.

Our advice columnists have heard it all over the years—so we’re diving into the How to Do It archives to share classic letters with our readers. Have a question? Send it to Stoya and Rich here. (It’s anonymous!)

I’m going to cut to the chase: I need help telling my boyfriend that he comes too quickly. Like, within a minute or two of entering me, even while wearing a condom. Every resource I’ve looked at online for having a conversation about this has advice for how HE could start a conversation with ME, but nothing for how to gently tell your partner that you’d like to occasionally have enough time to switch positions.

Some background, maybe explaining why this feels especially fraught: I’m a sex-positive woman in my early 30s who has had many, many partners. He’s a man in his late 20s who, I am pretty sure, has only ever had one partner (a girlfriend from the end of college to the start of the pandemic). I noticed that he was a bit, uh, quick to the finish when we started dating, but I figured it was post-lockdown excitement, and that it would fade. Sex usually gets better, right? I thought it would improve, and in the meantime, he seemed eager to receive direction in foreplay, at least. (But there, too, there are issues; I’m getting tired of having to direct every aspect of the production every time.) All of this is also complicated by the fact that we are in a long-distance relationship much of the time, because we started seeing each other right before I had to move and formed a surprisingly strong attachment over the course of a few weeks.

On the other hand: He is the nicest, most supportive, most caring partner I’ve ever had. I’m a neurotic mess half the time, and he is patient and tender with me. We have a wonderful intellectual partnership, and love and respect each other’s work. I feel so lousy, but I’m also at my wit’s end. All the frisson and attraction is already gone because it feels like there’s no possibility of good sex behind it, ever. I feel both sexually frustrated and heartbroken.

Your boyfriend may be able to delay ejaculation with effort and practice over time—once he knows where his point of no return is, he can back off of stimulation when he’s close to orgasm. It’s also likely that he’ll be able to have sex again after some refractory period and last longer on the second round. To achieve either of these options, you’ll have to have at least one talk about it. And the same goes for directing other types of sexual interactions.

Pick your time wisely. Make sure you’ve both eaten, that the temperature is comfortable, that you’ll have privacy for a while, and that you’re unlikely to be interrupted. Gauge whether he’s stressed at the moment, unsettled, or otherwise not in a great space to handle a delicate conversation. Tell him there’s something you want to talk about, and that you’re nervous about it, and then ask if now is a good time.

Once you’re talking, establish that you are very invested in improving the sexual interactions that the two of you have, and that it does need some work. How you do this—the tone, the exact words you use—is something you’ll have to come up with for yourself.